Let's talk about Trauma

I've spent a lot of time reading lately and a resounding theme I've found in most of these books and in other stories has been, Trauma.

Over the last few years, this word has been used more and more in media, social circles, and on social media platforms. Therapy talk and the vocabulary that comes with it has grown immensely in popularity. Although I've seen some negatives from the ever increasing "self-diagnoses", I also have seen and experienced many of the positives that have come from this phenomenon. The pandemic of 2020 can atone for much of its rise in popularity- and like many, it helped me navigate many strange and unpredictable circumstances during this time. And like many others, the free time stuck at home forced me to face some truths that I had been avoiding in the years prior.

I think it's safe to say, most of us has had some kind of experience with trauma or a life-altering experience at some point in our lifetimes. Whether it happened during adolescence or adulthood, it still requires a certain level of ownership and willingness to address the situation in order to find yourself on the other side of it. Whether your trauma involves grief, an assault, abuse, near death experiences, or a slew of other things- it could have affected you in many different and unique ways.

In many of the stories I've read, particularly in women I have noticed a theme that resonated with me and I think it will with many others. (that's the funny thing about life- we are more similar than we think). In Tara Westover's book, "Educated" and Beth Rodden's story, "A Light through the crack." they both gloss over a time during their recovery, or lack thereof. In their experience and mine, they had a period of numbness in the form of copious amounts of TV or eating or any other mind evading tasks. Thanks to my trauma, I eventually made it through 10 seasons of Grey's Anatomy- although it wasn't worth all that time once McDreamy died.

Although it's not a necessary part of healing, it seems to be a common process. It's sometimes easier to sink yourselves into someone else's made up story and narrative then it is to look at and feel the emotions that come from your story. If this is you- you're not weak, you're just human.

Another phenomenon I've noticed, which is more commonly in men, but I also relate is the "extreme optimism" effect. This is when someone takes a really hard and traumatic experience and almost immediately finds the positive narrative in the situation. Whether it's diving right back into your next goal or pushing yourself into extreme resiliency. I want to be clear- resiliency is a beautiful thing and so is finding beauty and growth in the pain- right now I am talking about avoiding that pain and being overly optimistic about its effect on your life. I have also been a victim of this during many times in my life and leaned into making everything seemed so laced up and pretty while I was still hurting inside.

Both of these coping mechanisms can clearly be used as a way to numb from our own pain. Although they look very different from the outside, they are both methods that achieve the same thing by distracting you from the pain and the root of the healing- therefore keeping you in this limbo for even longer.

Although I may grovel in my A's in both Psychology 1 & 2 in college, I am no psychologist or therapist so know my opinions are not fact and are only as educated as my history and research has provided. But I think we can all agree, in recent years we have discovered how common trauma is and likely it is to affect us and all the people around us.

Unfortunately just as common as the trauma itself is the downplaying of these traumas and the emotions evoked from it. Whether its other people, society, or our own selves making these claims- we are more likely than ever to compare our trauma or hardships to others. How many times have you heard a devastating story and thought, "man I'm glad that's not me" or "I should really be more grateful that I don't have it that bad." I think this is another way of numbing our pain and pushing it down to deal with for another day.

Luckily, trauma and healing doesn't operate on a Statute of Limitations and you can address it and do the work whenever you're ready. That doesn't mean though, that the years of downplaying and numbing your feelings won't make the pain deeper or hurt the people you love- because it most likely will- but it means you are never too late to finally do something about it.

I'll save you all the stories of my trauma for now, but I will tell you that it took me nearly 5 years to truly address the deep core of the issues that came from it. In those 5 years, I hurt some people, I lost a lot of opportunities in my life, and I found a lot of unhealthy coping and avoidance mechanisms. It wasn't until I was faced with a task I knew couldn't be accomplished well with a trauma continuing to weigh me down. That task was becoming a mother and it forced me to truly look deeper into myself than I ever had before.

Motherhood taught me that the outside circumstances, although unfair, were now my responsibility to heal from. I stumbled my way back into therapy and found solace in nature, which healed me in a lot of ways and helped me address some underlying thoughts and beliefs about myself and the world around me. I had to learn the hard way that nothing and no one was going to come and save me from all the hard parts of life. Finding a dedicated partner wouldn't make my pain go away, accomplishing more hikes/ adventures or harder climbing grades wouldn't make everything else okay, and all the money and feats in the world would never solve all of my problems. Chasing these things only continued to bring up the deeply held wounds inside.

It was now my responsibility to heal and I took that responsibility seriously- but it still has never and will never be a linear path. Today, I believe I am in my most healed and best version of myself yet, but I still recognize my downfalls and know the triggers that can still arise at any moment. I know how to handle anxious thoughts and challenging moments now thankfully. But I also still know the path back to destructive thoughts and pain numbing is slippery and never out of possibility.

I now know the work never ends and life will always be full of eb and flow, and continual growth will always be necessary. Challenge will never cease to exist in our lives and no matter how far ahead you get there will always be things weighing or bringing you back down. There's no "get over it quick" scheme, because life has a funny way of always bringing things back around. Almost 4 years ago, in a extremely important time of my healing- i wrote a poem, one that has helped me and guided me through many dark and confusing days. I hope it can help you in some way as well.

The Wave

Healing is not linear

as one might believe

it's more like a wave

it ebs and it flows

enjoying the highs 

and preparing for lows

until you learn to

enjoy the whole ride 

to bask in the glory

when the winds in your hair

and also appreciate 

your face in the sand